Kid Tested, Morally Disapproved

There’s something I have been noticing about the entertainment world for a while; the depraved morals presented in Cereal Commercials. Today’s commercials don’t provide children with the upright morals that the commercials of yester year used to, you remember when Doctors would smoke to sell cigarettes. But these “Kid tested, Mother approved” cereals are teaching kids lessons that they will take on for the rest of their lives and turn into morally uncultured twisted adults.

First up on this parade of immorality is Captain Crunch. I have a huge issue with this tiny little Sea Captain of Sugar. His catchphrase, “Crunchitize me” makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if something is Crunchitizing children, Megan’s law is probably going to come into effect pretty soon. The second problem with this is his boat. This short man who probably can’t see over that huge boat wheel, rams into Homes, Dance Recitals, Grocery Stores and more. How about you take your boat and park it outside like a normal patron, you wrecked the juice isle. In a bit of fairness, I think he was aiming for the cereal aisle to wipe out his competitors.  This old man in the sea needs to realize that havoc this is bound to cause. The kids are now going to grow up and park their cars wherever they’d like. Parking lots will turn into Monster Truck rallies. All because a Small Old (probably dishonorably discharged) Sea Captain can’t find a spot for his boat.

The Trix Rabbit is the homeless person of the Cereal world. This Bugs Bunny wanna be tries to trick kids into cereal by dressing up as a train conductor, woman and even a member of a boy band. He’s a creative guy that can probably get a job in advertising or public relations but instead hunts down children and begs for cereal. I’ve been to the residence of the Trix Rabbit and it less than livable. Syringes full of milk, photos of open boxes of cereal; real filth. And what’s wrong with these kids? Why can’t they just learn to share? Maybe if you give him a box it will motivate him to get a job and earn more boxes of cereal. This why when they grow up they are going to overly fearful and paranoid of the homeless and mistreat them. They are already being turned into wifi hotspots, what’s next?

Tony the Tiger is sneakiest of all these Cereal personalities. He pretends like he wants to prance with you and he’s as sweet as the cereal he promotes but he’s still a Tiger. “Hey Tony, I like the things you do” No you don’t! What he does hunt, kill and eat you! He’s a carnivore! I’ve seen specials on the Animal Planet that’s shown me the true power a tiger. Just ask Sigfred and Roy, they faced it too! “Hey Tony, If I could I would be you.”  No you would not, you are a human, you have thumbs! That’s an evolutionary advantage. If a tiger had thumbs He’d take away that tiny little thing and turn it on you. This prancing around with Tony the Tiger is going to cause some issues at Zoos in the near future. I just want to send out a warning: When the sign reads ‘Don’t Feed the Tigers’, its best to listen.

Lucky Charms makes me sympathize for the Irish. Lucky Charms has children chasing a Leprechaun that gives them sugary treats to boost their metabolism. Even though it portrays the Irish is semi positive light (as tiny, overly happy Leprechauns), it tells you people that you chase this tiny man till he leads you gold. Why? Because he, much like American currency, is on the gold standard (#winkwink).

I do feel for that poor bird that gets caught up with Cocoa Puffs. I’m not sure what is in that cereal but after you are done you just want more! I mean every morning he wants to get off that Cereal but he just can’t. He tries to do a crossword puzzle but the words are all about Cocoa Puffs. Crunchy. Chocolately. Munchity. That last one isn’t even a word! I feel for this bird only because I’m a Puff Daddy myself. I’ve been off the Big P for about a year now and it feels great, but it my hay day I was up at 8 bowls a day (this is a true statement). Stay strong bird, stay strong.

I hope that one day Cereal Commercials will help kids learn to love, share, and not play with wild ferocious beasts. This is my dream one day.

Breakfast of Champions