Unnatural Herding

If you live around the Utah area, you’ve probably heard of the Goat Man. That’s right folks, there’ was a man dressed like a goat hanging out in the mountains of Utah. There was quite a bit of buzz around this Sasquatch wannabe, mainly about who this person is and what the hell he was doing there.  This might be the worst interpretation of the Jungle Book I’ve ever seen in my life! If you’re going to be a part of the herd, why not pick a cool animal, like a Coyote or a Fox or a Falcon. If you were a Falcon, that story would’ve been 2 minutes long and ended with “Well we should’ve seen that one coming”  as you plummet to the earth regretting all your life decisions.

This is in Utah so this gentleman might have just been looking for a new wife to add to his collection back home. But goats are dangerous! In India they were the recycling system. You can throw cans, glass bottles, plastics, you name it, and the goats will eat it. Then we kill that goat and serve it to the white in the form of Biriyani or Kabobs! That’s right white folk, you guys are part of the Brown folk’s recycling solutions. But anything that is willing to eat aluminum is scary, not to mention they are the badasses of the hoofed animal kingdom with their narly beards and what not. Goats are essentially the Bikers of the Herbivore world. This man was endangering his life. Goats are vicious; one moment they’re eating cans, the next it’s your head.

The most dangerous thing this man was doing was attract Big Foot Researchers to area. This guy clearly wasn’t thinking about the consequences. The place could’ve been flooded with people just screaming in the woods and invading the privacy of not only the residents of the area, but also the deadly goats. If disturbed, these goats could’ve eaten years worth “important” Big Foot data that would leave the “scientists” stranded in their search for the elusive. Or they could’ve just said the Big Foot was communicating with the Goats which further proving their existence; one or the other.

So who was this mystery Goat Man? A crazy person?  A legitimate Sasquatch (#notatall)? The Devil? Turns out its just some hunter doing hunting research for the upcoming season; of course, what else would it be (#getcable)?