Bahaban Complex

In China, a fisherman made over $400,000 with just one fish. Now some of you might say “well, Jeremy Wade, of River Monsters, makes that with his bait”, and I would tell you that I don’t think Jeremy Wade has caught any fish like this or in the same manner this man did. The fish this man caught was called the Bahaba and it’s very rare because it’s on the endangered species list and is technically conserved for it medicinal uses. The fisherman caught this fish with his barehands, which is to be expected considering that we’ve all seen what Jet Li and Jackie Chan can do with their bare hands (#rushhour #leathalweapon4). The impressive part about this man using his hands is that the Bahaba is a 6 foot fish, weighing over 150 pounds. Is it weird that I’m jealous that a fish is taller, weighs more and has better muscle tone than me?

The Bahaba is fished for its swim bladder that is used in tonics and medications to cure heart and lung diseases. Now I’m not familiar with the anatomy of a fish, but I am familiar with the word bladder and this method and use sounds pretty fishy (#zing). It seems like the eastern medications embrace the oddities of nature, like using the bladder of a fish in tonics and cow urine to decrease swelling. I remember a long time ago, my sister sprained her ankle and the solution came in a dark glass bottle from India. The smell was very potent. You know you never forget the first time a sniff gave you the cleanest shave of your life. Sure the potent cow urine oil mixture decreased the swelling in my sister’s foot, but I always ask her was it worth it to live alone in a shack for a month? Was it worth to be put into a bubble in high school for that time? I say no! You can take the foot; I can get a prosthetic one from Apple. People always want to talk to cool kid with the iPod dock on his big toe.

Now a lot animal rights people are going to say this is wrong and we should try and save these animals and so on.  To them I say, I’ve become fond of my heart and lungs, and if there’s a fish out there that can cure it, let’s grab some bait and go get ‘em. They may even make the argument that we came from fish and that they are just like us (#hippie) and I would say, well then if they can walk on land maybe we won’t kill them. Fish are just evolutionarily lazy, and I lump chimps in that same category. What’s taking you fish so long to develop lungs and arms and legs and join us on the surface? I bet the reason they don’t is that fish know the secret of Atlantis and don’t want to share it with us. And since they don’t want to share the secret, I say they we fish them and use their gross body parts make our cool body parts stronger! Suck it Fish! (#eatsalmon)

In all fairness, the Bahaba that was caught was eventually (#blackmarket) sold to a research facility. Maybe they will clone it, or find way to make reproduce the bladder and make it less gross sounding? Science has come a long way hippies; maybe you should embrace it instead of protesting and lighting incense. I do find it ironic this fish cures a disease in an organ it doesn’t even have, which truly makes the Bahaba, the noblest and most modest of all the $500,000 fish.

Bahaba Cures