The Obligatory Christmas Post Nobody Asked For

Christmas is upon us. This is a holiday that even a heathen such as myself can enjoy the gifts, food, awkwardly sexy Santa costumes worn by women. I do have a few gripes with Christmas.

Firstly, my house is always skipped by the over weight magic man with oddly light feet. I don’t what kind of magic he’s using but you never hear those huge heavy work boots on your roof as he’s breaking into your house. Sure, I don’t have a tree and had keep the secret the he wasn’t real to all the gentiles that I went to school with when I was 8, but you know a Hot wheels would’ve been appreciated for keeping your secret. And there’s no reason to call mall security when I call you out for 15 years of back presents. Even though it’s the holidays, Tasers still sting a bit through your pea coat.

Sometimes my gentile friends can be a little ignorant to the other holidays around this time. Considering how much of Behemoth Christmas has become, they sound a bit condescending when they ask you about your non-Catholic holidays. Every year I hear my Jewish friends get a question, I don’t know how anyone answers. They ask: “Hey, what’s the holiday with the burning bush?” Oh yes, the burning bush, you must mean the annual tradition of setting your Christmas Tree on fire, you’re ignorant.

But regardless of all this, I still love Christmas because I can usually guilt at least one Gentile to buy a really expensive gift. Merry Christmas.