Taking A Bite Out of Shark Week

All of America, and really the world, was enthralled last week with shark week. I was not. I never am. I hate Sharks. In fact I actually hate most things to do with fishing and fish. Aside from River Monsters with Jeremy Wade there’s nothing good about fishing. As I see it fishing is mostly just sitting and waiting with a beer in your hand and silence between friends. But I hate sharks for different reasons, based on each type of shark.


The Great White Shark: This is shark is clearly most vain of the all sharks. What makes this shark so much greater than all the other sharks out there? Sure it’s got a huge mouth, never stops eating and is one of the most perfect killing machines. But it can’t see and confuses humans for seals. When you start attacking humans because we’re humans then you call yourself great. Other than that, you’re just the Mediocre White Shark.


The Nurse Shark: This shark thinks it works harder than every other shark in the ocean, especially the Doctor Shark. Just because it knows what every guppy in the ocean eats doesn’t mean this shark is better than us.


The Doctor Shark: Not even a real shark and it’s against Obamacare! Bastard!


The Hammerhead Shark: This shark’s head doesn’t even really look like a hammer. Not a ballpeen, regular, sledge, claw or anything. Mostly I think this shark is named Hammerhead because it’s hammered all the time. This is the most drunk shark in the ocean. How do we know? Because it eats food from the ocean floor and it always tells other sharks how much it loves them.


The Tiger Shark: I hate this shark the most. It’s the type of shark that will steal a baby fish from the Indian Ocean, lose it to some Dogfish, and then try to kill it later in life and then everyone just ends up calling me Mogli. So I hate this shark, it’s racist and also has a secret eating problem.