Taking Advantage of the Retrograde

For most people when communication goes erratic, technology fails and things go to hell at your job, they chalk it up to coincidences or blame God. But the reality of the situation is that Mercury has gone into retrograde. Astrology fans know that this is a period of time when the planet seems to be spinning backwards on its axis. This causes flux in communication, transportation, technology and more! This would seem like a bad thing, but there are a group of people who are putting a positive spin on the situation.

“As a bro, that gets chicks left and right, this Retrograde thing is fantastic,” says McQ, a bro out of Massachusetts, “Now when a babe gets mad at me about not callin’ after our one night is pleasure-town, I can just Mercury is in Retrograde and our communication is off so we should wait a while to talk. It’s brilliant. The citizens of pleasure-town come and go by the dozens now!”

McQ has claimed to have slept with 45 chicks in the last month without a second date, which is apparently a record for him.

“Why is it called Pleasure-town? Because it’s neat, quaint and just big enough for you to get around, and it comes with brunch!” claims McQ. *Special Note: No one asked McQ a follow up question about this topic.*

There is another group that is benefitting from this Retrograde as well. Greeting card companies and florist are reporting record high sales during this time. Greeting card executives have said their apology cards sales have skyrocketed and they are loving it.

“Hell, if we can find a way to keep that wonky planet spinning backwards forever we would! Boy is it fun to reap financial benefits from normal people’s misfortunes! When do we start the interview?” says the Donald Hall Jr., CEO of Hallmark.

Once this planet is done spinning we go back to normal. Till then, most of us should quarantine ourselves and put on our foil hats and definitely stay away from Greeting Cards and McQ’s Pleasure-town.