The Real End of the World

Commentary by Comedian Krish Mohan

People have been clamoring that the End of Days is near! With the recent spread of deadly diseases, release of zombie movies and some are even claiming it’s because of gay rights. There was even some speculating that the beginning of the end was the giant crater in Siberia. Religions believe that it’ll be in the return of the lord in some form on to the planet. In fact, Hinduism believes it’ll be Vishnu in the form of a beautiful lady coming to the earth killing everyone. This is the type of story I was put to bed with, so anytime I was approached by beautiful girl in High School, I would just scream, cry and run, as I thought my judgment day had arrived.

But all these theories are wrong! There are a few strong theories for how the world will come to an end. The first involves Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones. When he dies, whatever has been inside keeping him alive for all these years will be unleashed on the planet. Inside his body lies a creature made of booze, various sexual diseases, drugs of an unearthly variety and a Grammy. When that is released upon the world, everyone should find some religion and make peace with whatever god is closest to them.

The most dangerous and most plausible of these theories involves birds. Birds are more than likely going to be the end of the world. It prophetically predicted in the critically acclaimed film “Birds” by Alfred Hitchcock. Don’t believe me? Believe this! A group of crows is called ‘A Murder of Crows’ because they love murdering so much it’s a group activity that allows crows to bond with each other. If that wasn’t enough, over the course the last decade, pigeons have gotten much more confident about being in the city. They don’t fear kicks or cars, or bullets or an army of small children. This is because they’re going to be on the front lines of the bird revolt! They are Marines of the bird world. They’ll come down from the skies take out our concrete structures but leave all the monuments so they have a place to poop in the post human world. This is how they will get their revenge for the extinction of the dinosaurs and reclaim the planet! They remember what they were! They remember all too well!