First World Problems

Commentary by Comedian Krish Mohan

I’m a frequent visitor of coffee shops, where I enjoy to do my work while listening to music and enjoy a cup O’ Jo. Every so often, I take a break and listen in on the conversations on the folks around me, but then I just realize how many first world problems this country has.

2 tables behind me I heard a man say, “Yeah man, they mah truck nuts. I had them zipped tied to mah truck and they cut off!” I wanted to cut this guy’s nuts off so he can’t spawn and contaminate the human gene pool.

3 tables to my left I heard a girl say, “They tore down the Wendy’s by my house! What am I going to do? I need my Wendy’s!” I think if you’re life hinges on Wendy’s, this girl needs to consider seeking professional help. There are so many things better to be addicted to, like cocaine or huffing paint or puppies. Besides I’m pretty sure there are kids in Africa that don’t know who this Wendy bitch is. They just know there’s a red-headed lady eating enough burgers in one meal to feed their entire village for a whole month.

2 tables in front me, I hear, “I didn’t send that email because I had to press an extra button!” This is why my people are taking all your jobs. Immigrants will push any button, especially white people’s. They don’t make excuses. They provide results.

Eventually, I did hear the cry for faster wifi and it made me realize we have an obsession with technology. I’m no different. I have an iPhone that I’m obsessed with and it’s not even new one, it’s 2 years old. I’m not even this attached to girlfriends 2 years later. I know I’m obsessed with my phone since anytime it dies, I look down and say “I have to go home now”, even if I’m talking to a friend of mine. Then I just wander the streets for hours on end because I don’t have GPS. People find me rubbing 2 sticks together to make fire, and people walk up to me and say “Dude, you can use a lighter” and I respond, “I don’t have an app for that.” Eventually I find my way to an Apple store and make my demands. “Please, I just need 5 minutes of your charge! I’ll suck yo’ dick 5 minutes of yo’ charge!

Perhaps I’m a victim of First World Problems too.