Trump’s Poll Numbers Connected To Hike In Depression Rates

Satire by Comedian Krish Mohan

In the one month’s time, Donald Trump’s poll numbers have gone up by 6 points! The sharpest increase was he proposed a ban on Muslims. Most educated people said that’s not right, because it’s both morally and constitutionally wrong. Trump supporters, who are mostly less educated, white males, on the other hand are ready to follow their leader to the end!

I just like the way he talk,” says the stereotypical Trump supporter, wearing the hat and pin of the candidate, with a plain white T Shirt and chiseling a piece of wood into an unknown shape, “He say things I like to hear. No confusing words or topics. And he don’t ask me to think, he just tell me what I think. He said hate on Muslims, that Ima gonna do it. MAKE AMERICA GREATER THAN BEFORE!” He threw the knife into the table he was sitting at as he exclaimed.

But there is another trend that is correlated with the rise of Trump’s poll numbers. Depression rates have risen 12 points nationally after the seeing what Trump supporters and Trump himself feel are doing to this country.

I just can’t believe that this country has come to this,” says Sharon Constance, a 22 year old marketer from the District, “He’s peddling hate and those poor fools and they are eating it up. And if this where the country is going then I don’t know what to do. Mosques burning and people attacked, it’s awful stuff! It’s hard to wake up in the morning in the fear that he’s made some other polarizing hateful speech that his base is rallying over.

Local grocery stores across the country have seen a rise in razor blades sales, sky scrapers have noticed more people heading to top floors more often, and folks are seen at their homes with a loaded gun and whiskey at the dinner table. The Pharma industry has also decreased their prices on certain anti depressants.

Hell this is a god send!” says an unnamed Pharma executive, dressed in a black suit with a black tie and slicked back hair, “These saps are buying into it and we get to reep the rewards!…What’s that? The hate speech? Who cares? There’s money in fear and Trump’s pushing that out his face by the boat load and people are buying into it! And then our drugs!

Sharon continues, “I mean this is what every post apocalyptic book has been about. This is how it all starts, but the problem is he’s speaking to, are people who haven’t read the book. They don’t have the context to recognize the pattern! It’s horrifying and if the numbers keep going to up, you’re going to see me on top of the Trump plaza, accelerating towards the earth at a high rate of speed!

There are some who don’t share the same view as Ms. Constance. Professor Milford in Connecticut has decided to head into areas with high concentration of Trump supporters and introduce them books and history about Fascism. The goal is educate the populous to make more informed decisions rather than resort to violence and to recognize hate speech better.

Professor Milford says “Things are going slow. I didn’t realize how bad the education problem really was! I’m trying to get a few more professors involved to help explain things to folks and maybe change their minds.