The Dispatch! The Origin Of Saint Valentine!


Valentines Day. The ONE day that the corporate state allows us to feel Love. The rest of the days we all have to be sad caricatures of the lonely shoppers that we truly are. V-Day as a some chronically single people call it, has been notorious for being one of the consumerist holidays of all year. It’s not as bad as Black Friday because less people are trampled and has more fuckin’ than Christmas. Mostly because no one wants to have sex in their childhood bedroom with their parents sleeping next door. And if you are chronically single there’s nothing wrong with that. The corporate state just hates you because you’re too sad to be a lonely shopper! But what are the origins of this heart filled holiday.

One of the origins of Valentines Day comes from the Pagan celebration of Lupracalia. This is to celebrate the Wolf-goddess who is said to have breast fed Romulus and Remus. This was the 3rd century and Mother’s Love hadn’t really been invented. The festival of Lupracalia in the 13 century involved animal sacrifice. Animal sacrifice was basically the kegs of the parties back then. It’s expected and when it’s not there it usually leads to a riot. And it’s not like Animal Sacrifice is all gone. We just call it a steak dinner now and sit around the table and give thanks to a God we don’t know is there or not.

And then they take the flesh of the animal and whip the women so they become more fertile. This was the 13th century so humans had evolved to the 3rd grade, where abuse was just a quirky way to communicate love. It’s just like pulling pig tails on the playground. Which as we all know has usually led to some experimentation with BDSM and blockbuster soft core porn.

In the Catholic mythos…or was it Christian? It’s hard to keep these Jesus based religions straight. There are as many versions of that religion as there are gods in the Hindu religion. Anyway, the Catholic Church has a Saint Valentine who was secretly marrying people when Emperor Claudius II banned marriage because single men made better soldiers in war. Claudius was mad that he was chronically single and married men didn’t want to die for his loneliness so he decided to send a bunch of single men he believed didn’t have anything to lose to fight his battles. Not much has changed today either. With this in mind, it turns out that most American Congresspeople were just lonely when they started the Vietnam War, the Gulf War, the Iraq war, the invasion of Afghanistan and when they made ISIS.

Valentine was eventually caught and sent to prison. The story goes that couples he married wound send him notes in his prison cell. And one of the last notes he passed back to a woman he was love with said “From your valentine”. Everyone say awe and buy your Hallmark card. Now this story is sweet, but it does play into the consumerism of this holiday. Even if this story is real, it’s been co-opted to make one day more special than others. It takes the idea of a rebel, someone that was against the state and it’s insecurities and commercializes it. Softens and make its part of the corporate lore. It turns into a Subway franchise to hock more bullshit and unrealistic expectations of love. It equates this feeling with buying more as a measure of how much you care about someone.

Look if you want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, fine. But love isn’t about one day. It’s not about buying shit. It’s about being defiant, like the story of Saint Valentine or the fact that a wolf mom raised 2 young babies. That’s defiant to nature! Love doesn’t need to manufactured by corporations. Love conquers all, but the unloved will give their best shot. So if you have someone that you love, make sure it goes beyond the 14th of February. And if you are chronically single…don’t worry about it. Romantic love will find you, but there are other people that love you all the same and will sacrifice an animal for dinner with you.