TransContinental: Bernie & Trump

Usually when I tour, I tour through the Mid-West and the South. That’s a lot of where I go. People get concerned about that, because I’m an immigrant an there’s certain stereotypes in that region. But I love the South and the Midwest! Because for as many right wing, super conservative folks that are down there, there’s just as many progressives and liberals down there. You just gotta look hard enough to find em! You can go out there and put out the call of the left! “UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE! FUND PUBLIC EDUCATION! UNIVERSAL BASIC INCOME! CRITICAL THINKING! SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE” And they all march towards the venue!

What’s really awesome about the liberals and progressives in the South is the fact that they’re just as aggressive as the conservatives about their beliefs! “HEY! Why y’all fuckin’ with that queer! Love ain’t no goddam political argument! Let ‘em love who they want to! And for that matter neither is abortion! That’s between a woman, her partner and their doctor! Get your signs and hate outta here before I beat your ass with biology book!” I appreciate passion of all forms! That means you give a shit about something!

But people do get nervous though. Especially now, with this administration, people get concerned about us touring the south and the mid-west! People ask me if there’s a lot of Trump supporters that come to my show or if I get into arguments with Trump supporters a lot. The truth is we don’t. We’ve maybe met one or 2 on this tour. And they’ve been fine folks.

To be honest, I feel bad for Trump, and follow me on this. That’s a 73-year old man, that ran for the highest office in the country to make some friends! That’s why he did it. He didn’t want to be President to run the country, he knew it’d make him popular and boy has it not worked out! 73 years old and he doesn’t have friends! That’s depressing! That’s so sad! I think people befriend him, he says some wild shit, they disagree and he fires them from his friendship. That’s sad! He doesn’t know how to retain friends!

Look, you’re fired!

Donald you can’t fire friends, that’s not what this is about…

NO! You’re fired! Give me the bracelet with my name on it back! I’m going on twitter to look for a different friend!

73 years old. He’s one of the oldest presidents. Why don’t we have an age cap for this office! You have to a minimum of 35 to run for office, and I think after 50 you should sit down and relax. You’ve done enough. It’s too old. It’s like your grandfather! Do you really want your grandfather running a country, dealing with diplomatic affairs?! Look, my grandfather is 92 now. When he was 73 he was afraid of the cordless telephone! Is that someone you want in charge of healthcare? If he doesn’t get the cordless telephone giving citizens the right of health isn’t really going on the progressive docket. “Get the leeches back!?” No, that’s a bad idea. Don’t do that.

And look I know I’m shooting myself in the foot here because I’m a big Bernie Sanders guy. But Bernie is like a thousand years old! He’s got stories about how he helped Lincoln figure out slavery was wrong because when Bernie was hanging out with Pharaohs he knew it would come back to bite them in the ass! He’s old! Every speech he gave the only thing I wanted him to do was sit down! GET HIM A CHAIR! He was always hunched over because he was literally carrying the weight of the Middle Class on his back! The weight of all the working class folks on his shoulders and it was crushing him and eventually he’ll get crushed into the most beautiful Democratic Socialist diamond! And then maybe we’ll finally have enough money to pay for healthcare.