The Dispatch: Puerto Rico’s Independence!

Puerto Rico, the island nation that is also one of America’s non-continental beach front properties and is most famously known for being confused for Cuba has been protesting their governor. The island nation is a United States territory and has been in economic decline dude to bad political investments and natural disasters. And instead of sending real aide after the disasters we had Trump playing catch with the citizens of the Island with Paper Towels. This is fucked up for a lot of different reasons. First of all Puerto Rico didn’t need paper towels, but an electrical grid and medical aide. Secondly it’s really unfair that he played catch with these islanders and not his own kid. I mean Baron Trump is in the perfect age to have this mentally scar him forever.

In the last few weeks, Puerto Rico has been amid protests because of leaked telegrams about their former governor Ricky Rosello. Rosello made homophobic remarks, joked about shooting San Juan’s Mayor and called a New York City Council Speaker a puta, or whore, and even made fun of Ricky Martin! Really? Ricky Martin? He’s like a hack a comedian that can’t write jokes or legislation about current strifes so he has to target icons from the early 2000s or late 90s. What’s next? He’s going to talk about Monica Lewinsky or Y2K? Edgy! I can’t wait to see his George W. Bush impersonation.

Calling for the assassination of a Mayor and calling City Council Speakers whores, among other things, was the final straw for the citizens of island nation who were sick of being treated as…well I’d say second class citizens, but you’d have to be considered citizens by the country that owns you. Amidst the name calling, Ricky was also caught in financial fraud, spending money on enriching his already rich friends and political allies rather than funding projects to fix the nation after 2 hurricanes! His theory must be that when the next natural disaster comes through he’ll pay it to leave. That must be why after natural disasters the low income neighborhoods are affected the most. It’s because they can’t pay for the protection from nature who is clearly out to extort our society.

Protestors called for Ricky and the junta to step down. The junta, for those that are unfamiliar with that term, because I was, is a military or political force that rules a nation after taking it over by force. It’s basically the school yard bullying of coups. “Stop economically castrating yourself! Stop economically castrating yourself! Stop economically castrating yourself!”

Because of the economic state of Puerto Rico, it is a United States territory. You might as well call it a colony, but the nation itself doesn’t have any autonomy, especially about whether it does or doesn’t declare bankruptcy. It’s opposite of Trump and the American Banking Industry. They have claimed bankruptcy a bunch and I’m assuming a few times to just let us know they were still morally bankrupt.

In order to help, the US put together the Puerto Rico Oversight, Management and Economic Stability Act, which made a plan for that kind of bankruptcy. This group appointed the island’s budgets to the junta and was put together not by the people of Puerto Rico but the Obama administration. The junta, or how they refer to themselves as the Board, consists of a former GW official, conservative think tank scholars and lawyers who have essentially shifted the coarse of power from the City Councils to themselves. So basically this Board has privatized the island nation of Puerto Rico!

And calling themselves ‘the Board’ makes sound like a super villain group that correspondingly wears Hugo Boss suits to destabilize economies. This would kinda make the least fun Marvel movie of all time. A lot of it would be rich people laughing at poverty and pocketing all the money they saved by having to spend none of it on special effects or Robert Downy Jr’s beard comber. The Board is basically the cult of trust funds that own an island thanks to the Obama Administration, that Trump is now using to play catch with paper towels in an attempt to fill the void in his heart his father left!

Ricky did step down, leading the way for Secretary of Justice Wanda Vasquez to take the spot. But Vasquez is a personal friend of Rosello so it doesn’t leave much hope for anything different to take place in Puerto Rico. The protests were about getting real representation for the people of Puerto Rico, not someone that is placed in a position of power by Oversight Committee. Overseeing…well nothing. They’re more or less there to make sure the status quo of ensuring the rich get richer stays in place. This is a call for Puerto Rico to spend money on community investments and ensuring the people are accurately represented.