That Time I Got Attacked By A Rooster [Live Virtual Storytelling]

Tickets for the upcoming show on May 22nd!

I got attacked by a rooster in Des Moines, Iowa. It was the summer of 2018 and my then fiancé, now ex-wife, and I went on a 4 month cross country tour together. Towards the end we decided that we were going to splurge $25 to get an Air B n’ B for 2 nights in Des Moines. My fiancé decided to helm the project. 

She found a place about 25 minutes outside of Des Moines. It was out in farm country and the woman that was running the place said she’s got two large iron roosters on the driveway to differentiate it from the rest of the farms. And as we approached there they were, two very large iron roosters. 

“What a neat piece of art” I remember thinking. 

We got out of the car and were immediately surrounded by a large flock of chickens. There must’ve been at least 9 or 10 of them. 

“They just think you have food,” a voice said from the balcony of the house. It was a young kid, about 12 or 13, “They’re kinda dumb. I’m here to greet you to the house!” 

We said hello and as I went to grab a few of our things, I noticed a large black rooster pacing back and forth about 25 feet away from us. He appeared disgruntled. 

“What’s up with that guy,” I asked. 

“Oh, that’s the rooster. He’s kind of an asshole! He always tries to attack me when I need to feed the chickens!” The kid replied. 

“Noted” I remarked. 

We grabbed our things and got a little tour from the pre-teen, who was in the house all alone. After the tour we decided we just wanted a nice night in to relax, so we whipped up some food and then retired to our room to watch some Netflix and relax for the evening. The following night we had a show in Des Moines so we wanted to be rested and ready for that.

The next day we woke up and followed our usual routine of breakfast and work. My fiancé decided that we’d purchase some of the fresh eggs from the farm. As we ate, we chit chatted with the pre-teen. He was very excited that we were there. 

After he found out I was a comedian, he really wanted to show me some of his favorite Youtubers. We watched one that was about 14 minutes long. Most of it was this guy that made a few funny faces, short prank calls and made random noises. I have never seen a child run out of breath because they were laughing so hard until that moment. I was a little upset. I take a long time to craft each line, each joke, each verse of poetry to construct a show and this guy just rendered this child breathless which a random twitch of his facial expression. That video has over 14 million views. 

We sat at the kitchen table to do our work and it was approaching the evening. My fiancé and I decided a little soak in the Jacuzzi would nice before the show. So I decided to grab my change of clothes from the car. 

See when you travel on the road, it’s imperative that you bring all your stuff into the place you’re crashing. It becomes too cumbersome. So each day I’d grab a new set of clothes from my suitcase in the trunk. It just saves time. 

So I go out to the car and as I’m walking to vehicle, I see the rooster in the distance, pacing. I put my hands up in the air, to show that I didn’t have any weapons on me, and looked at this rooster and said “Hey man, I’m not here for trouble. I just need to get some clothes from my car.” Because you know how roosters are proficient in the Queen’s English. 

I popped the trunk and I go into get my clothes from the car. As I reached in, from behind I heard “FOOF FOOF FOOF”! I turned to see the rooster much closer to me and starring me down with its chest puffed out.

It looked at me like “What’s up bro? What are you looking at? You know you’re being weird right now! Nah it’s you bro!” 

I just looked backed at the rooster and said “Hey come on buddy, we don’t have to do this. I just have to get my clothes and I’ll be gone. Just chill!”

I turn back to get my clothes out of my suitcase and I hear it again! “FOOF FOOF FOOF” and as I turned the rooster is now at my feet ready to attack! So I hopped back, yelling and air kicked at it. The rooster came at me again! So I kicked at it again, but I was so panicked about what was happening, I missed and now the rooster was even madder! I yelled again and ran as fast as I could back into the house! 

My fiancé looked at me and asked “Where are your clothes?”

“The bird! I got attacked!” I exclaimed “The fucking bird came for my eyes! It had a crazy look! I got attacked by the goddam bird!” 

“What are you talking about?!” She said. 

“The bird wants my eyes! The rooster, he attacked me while I was trying to get my clothes! He wants my eyes!”

“Honey it’s a bird. Did you kick it? I’m sure it’ll go away if you just swat it away. It’s just a bird! Go back out there and grab your stuff, we’re missing jacuzzi time.” 

“There’s no way I’m going back out there! It wants my eyes and now it knows I’m afraid of it and it’s going to be more aggressive!” 

“It’s a bird!”

“It’s not a bird, it’s a small dinosaur is what it is! It knows that it used to be huge and now a bunch of hairless primates are fucking everything up and it wants the planet back!” 

So after a bit more back and forth, my fiancé decided that she’d grab a broom to protect herself and then go get my clothes for me. She walked and I peeked around the patio and I saw her get to the car. The trunk was still open. The rooster came at her the same as it did me and she hit him with the broom. She grabbed my clothes and came back. 

I was so panicked I did the only thing I knew I could. I decided to learn about roosters. From my research I found that roosters…are all dicks! They’re called cocks for a reason! They’re angry aggressive birds, who’s only purpose on this planet is fertilize eggs. The chickens don’t really even need them to make eggs. The rooster is just there to keep the species going and that’s it. The rooster is basically everyone that peaked in high school. It’s hyper masculinity as a bird. 

They even have these talons they get as teenagers and they use to swipe at their enemies, so they do in fact go for the eyes!

We went back up and took a dip in jacuzzi, showered and got ready for the show. The sun had set by the time we had to leave. This was the rooster’s one and only weakness, darkness. It’s the opposite of a vampire. 

The show went fine and we got back a bit late. It was around 1am, and we got ready for bed and as I laid my head down to rest, I had a realization, “We’re going to have to see the rooster tomorrow!” I told my fiancé and she just starred at me. She messaged the Air B n’ B host who said she’d put out extra feed so the rooster wouldn’t bother us. I knew it wouldn’t be enough. 

So when we woke up in the morning I had a plan to get out without a rooster attack. If we split up what we carried in a specific way, we can get to the car in trip. I can jump kick the patio gate and we make a run for the car. We dump everything in the back seat and then hop in the car and peel out! 

I turned to my fiancé and said “Ready?” She nodded at me. So I jump kick the gate! It…was locked. So I set a few things down, opened the gate, picked up the stuff and made a run for it. I opened the car, tossed everything in, ran around the car and got into the driver seat. I turned and my fiancé is no where to be seen! 

She’s sauntering to the car as I was panicking! “There is a killer bird on the loose! It’s almost noon, that’s when its power is the greatest!” She looked at me and showed me the broom. 

“Do you want to hold the broom so the big scary bird doesn’t attack us?” She taunted. 

“Yes!” I replied. I was going to take this seriously. 

So I patrolled the driveway as she reorganized the car. I saw the rooster. He saw me. We locked eyes. He maneuvered to get a sneak attack, but I wouldn’t have it so I kept on him. It was becoming evident that I’m might have to kill a bird with a broom today. Was I even mentally prepared for this? It’s all happening so fast. What would I tell the chickens? 

“Look, we know he was a bit of dick. He had rage problems. Did he ever even ask how your day was? I’m sorry you lost the rooster but you know, I think it’s probably for the best!”

As I was moving from one side to the other, my fiancé began getting annoyed with me. She grabbed the broom and ordered me to get back in the car and wait. So I did. She kicked the rooster away, set broom by the house and got in the car. We drove away. 

It was silent for a while. And then she asked “So what happened back there?” I honestly didn’t have an answer for then. I just shrugged and kept driving. 

I’ve thought about this for a while. The only explanation I can think of that this is the result of very old fight or flight responses. There are some of us who are ready to murder a bird with a broom, and there are other who are not. I come from the latter. I come from the group of people who probably saw a giant bird and instead of trying to kill it, ran. I come from a line of flight people…at least when it comes to roosters.