As an Immigrant that finally has this right to vote bestowed onto him by a White House built by slaves, I gotta say, I’m not all that excited to exercise this right, based on not only the awful candidate choices from the duopoly, but the process of voting in America. Voting in the States might be more atrocious than the candidates we are told to vote for. The Voting process is so bad in America that when asked to describe the process international election observers just showed a photo of a garbage can on fire.
There’s a ton of ways that the American election system is fucked, but in terms of the voters, a fair & balanced amount of fuckery happens right at the polls particularly in the Democratic Primaries! The voting machines themselves are hijacked by corporate interests that work with Democratic National Committee, which is a private corporation that owns elections. This basically means we’ve privatized elections and turned it into a product. “Get your votes here! $5 and you get 2 Biden votes! $27 for a Bernie, but $5 gets you 2 Bidens! It’s a Biden fire sale!”
In a lot of states the voting machines are owned by corporations, which have proprietary codes that only they can look at. In these states, the voter goes in, casts their choices, then gets a print out of their choices with a barcode or QR code. The only people who can access that QR code is the corporation that owns the voting machine, so there’s no way for us to verify whether our votes got recorded the right way! So you voted for Bernie, but the machine is programmed to turn every 3rd or 4th vote to Biden.
We can confirm these via Exit Polls. These are polls taken to gather demographic information and make sure that the machine results match what the ACTUAL votes are! In most nations, if the Exit Polls show a 2% discrepancy, the votes have to be recounted or redone entirely! In this election alone, we saw a lot of States showing over 8% discrepancy between Biden and Bernie votes! This is basically America looking at anything authoritarian dictator and saying “Fuck you, we can wreck our own Democracy!” Who needs Russians when we got the Democrats!
Here’s what the Exit Polls from this year’s election show!
In 2016 this was the same situation. In states like Arizona, Georgia, West Virginia, South Carolina and more the Exit Polls were off by 4-8%. And even the independent company that ran these Exit Polls said that when they released these numbers they “adjusted” them to fit the machine results. This is not just election fraud, but it’s a mismanagement of mathematics, which is a fundamental constant in the universe! This is a crime against the Universe! These people shouldn’t be allowed near any numerals for the next 500 years!
When the DNC and their partner corporations are called out for cheating the American people, they responded that they don’t owe fairness to anyone. They said in a court of law that they are allowed and will continue to cheat in order to win. And those are the Democrats, the ones that we believe are good guys. The good guys just claimed it is their legal right to cheat Democracy! They said in front of a judge that they’re allowed to have an electoral cabal, which kinda sounds like the lamest cabal.
The Republicans have instated gerrymandering and Interstate Crosscheck, which in the general election ensures that voters with the same last name would be kicked off the count. This primarily affects minority voters, and if they have to sacrifice a few Smiths and Joneses along the way, so be it. They will be the sacrificial lambs for the Republican’s electoral cabal, which is equally as lame as the Democrats’. Who says the duopoly can’t achieve equality. They are equally lame and worthless.
And the Republicans and Democrats are so proud of the way they manipulate American Democracy, they’re ready to ship it to other nations. That’s what happens when you privatize Democracy, you start packaging it. Maybe ‘Banana Republic’ isn’t just selling boring ass shirts to boring ass people, but also boring ass elections to countries that don’t need it.
But this is the basis for every war we wage across the world. America claims to bring Democracy to other countries by way of the American Military! This is basically the Electoral equivalent of Shia LaBeouf yelling ‘Do it’! It’s the literal equivalent of a shotgun wedding between Democracy and countries that aren’t sure what this Democracy is and why it keeps yelling at them!
One of America’s newest targets of our Democracy Exports is Venezuela. And Venezuela doesn’t need our version of Democracy. They have one of the fairest and best rated election systems in the world! They use a mix of paper ballots, biometrics and machine voting to ensure fairness in their election process. America bringing them Democracy would be like the US offering Mayo as a spice to India! It’s offensive and that shit will spark World War 3!
As poet laureates, The Wu-Tang Clan have said, ‘cash rules everything around me’. Elections are no different! Most politicians are not working on policies to better the lives of their constituents, states, districts, cities, etc. etc. They spend most of their time fundraising. It’s roughly between 30-70% of the time fundraising. They spend the rest of their time reenacting scenes from NCIS and performative politics.
Now the most you can donate to a candidate is $5200, which in 2016 came from about 400 families or 57,854 individuals. That’s .2% of the population and they contributed to over half of the finances of political campaigns in 2016. If you can contribute $5200 to various candidates and still have money left over for a jet-ski, you’re basically a political pimp and these politicians are your bottom bitches! And if you’re offended by the terminology and not the robbery of our election process, you’re not getting the fucking point!
A Princeton study has shown that there is a rising correlation between legislation that is passed with the view of the Economic Elites. The more the elites want something to happen, the more likely it will happen. But when it comes to the views of the people, there is a flat line. Meaning no matter how much consensus there is amongst the people, the likelihood of legislation passing on our behalf stays the same.
This is where the notion of partisanship comes from. The Democrats blame the Republicans, and vice versa for not getting things done. And the people that have more allegiances to these parties than each other start quibbling about which master is kinder in their oppression. But the reality is that both parties don’t care about the people and only listen to the donor class. This is not a duopoly, but a monopoly! One snake with 2 heads! This is proof of a Democracy for Fundraising. This is proof that we’re living in a Kleptocracy, which is a fancy word for a stolen Democracy, which is a nice way of saying Trash Fire!
And there have been instances where both parties have been far more blatant about their allegiances to donors and delegates. Oh that’s right, the election process in America involves Delegates that choose the candidate, supposedly based on the people’s voice, which makes voting even more of a clusterfuck. The delegate process is like ordering from a drive-thru menu. You said you wanted the veggie burger with a chocolate milkshake and a side of fries, but instead you get a literal garbage fire!
1912 Republican Teddy Roosevelt wanted to push back against the corporate direction of the Republican Party. 9/13 Primary states chose Roosevelt but Taft was nominated by the party instead. That’s because Taft went directly to the delegates because he knew they make the decision anyway. This led to the creation of the Bull-Moose Party, more on that later.
In 1968, Hubert Humphrey was selected as the Democratic nominee after he campaigned…in ZERO states! The people rioted when they found out that their votes didn’t matter! So in order to gain the faith of the people back, the Democrats let the populace select the nominee. In 1972 they chose George McGovern, an anti-war, left wing populist. In response to that the DNC tanked his campaign against Nixon by running smear campaigns and pushing “Democrats for Nixon”! But hey “Vote Blue No Matter Who” right? If you ever needed any proof that there was one party in this country, it’s from the reality of “Democrats For Nixon!”
This version of Democracy should be left behind! It’s controlled, manipulated and doesn’t work for the people it claims to represent. It does work for profit and the donor class. We need something better. We need to throw this version of Democracy in the trash and light it on fire!
Krish Mohan is a socially conscious, Indian standup comedian and writer who regularly tours the country. He performs at small theaters, bars, comedy clubs, colleges, DIY and house venues. With his quirky attitude, charming personality, and intelligent humor, Krish captivates and engages audiences of all backgrounds, tackling hot button topics like race, religion, war, immigration, while adding an optimistic, philosophical & sociological twist!