Anytime someone brings up either Israel or Palestine, you hear a very rare sound. It’s the sound of everyone’s assholes simultaneous shutting closed in pure discomfort. Then you’ll likely get an explanation about how it’s such a complicated situation and commenting on it would do both sides a disservice. That’s really code for “please stop talking to me about this. I don’t have any beliefs and I just parrot what I hear on CNN as gospel and base most of my personality off Anderson Cooper segments!” I’m paraphrasing a bit, but you get the gist.
So since this is sooo complicated allow a weird, fringe, Socialist Comedian to uncomplicate this situation so we can all get on the same page. Is it uncomplicate or decomplicate? Let’s just go with unfuck. I’m very good at unfucking things…
In order to understand what the fuck is going on with Israel & Palestine we have to take a trip back to the early 1900s when the Ottoman Empire was a thing. And that’s not the discount store where you can 4 futons for the price of 2 and your dignity, it was actual country…and as the name suggests an Empire.
Before World War 1, the Ottoman Empire was home to various ethnicities and religions. Though it was dominantly Muslim, there were Jews & and Christians as well. After World War 1, the wrongfully named War To End All Wars, the British decided to split up the Empire. The region known as Palestine was under British control. At this point is anyone surprised that the British are at the start of this clusterfuck? The English owe the entirety of humanity a non-stop apology. #CancelEngland
I think most things are the fault of the British. From Palestine, to Kashmir to Africa to my dad never hugging me, it’s all the British. Its a shame that they didn’t pick up the culinary skills or dental hygiene of the nations they stole from and colonized. Perhaps that was part of a global revolt against imperialism – no food or dental secrets.
Around this time after World War 1, the Zionism movement had taken popularity. The Brits supported this movement, but never made any claims to help create a solely Jewish or Arabic state. Every time the subject was brought up, you’d hear the same sound of all the assholes collective closing shut!
When Zionists began purchasing land in Palestine, it led to the displacement of Palestinian farmers who had lived on that land for at least a century. The Arabs revolted against the British who were approving these land grabs. With the help of Jewish militias, the British were able to quell the Arab uprising.
In the 30s, the British restricted Jewish migration and land purchases. It’s cute that the Zionists thought the British were going to help create a holy land, when really they just wanted to create their own Empire where they get landlords of the globe. This time the Jews led insurgencies but all that was put to a halt, because of the Nazis, who were trying to not just be global landlords but also cleanse the planet of anyone that wasn’t blonde haired and blue eyed…you know like Jesus was.
Well fictional Jesus. Real Jesus was looked more like me but a slightly more buff.
During these Jewish insurgencies, the now city of Sderot was a Palestinian village called Huj. It was recorded that Jews & Muslims got along swimmingly in this village and the Muslims even protected Jewish Paramilitary troops during the British occupation. The same Paramilitary troops would end up eradicating all the Muslims a few years later.
After World War 2, the United Kingdom turned the future of Palestine over to the United Nations. How generous of them to wash their hands of the mess they created. This is like going to a friends birthday party at their house, trashing the place and right before you leave saying “Boy someone should really clean up this place! You guys are slobs! PEACE!”
The UN decided to split the region into 2 and Jerusalem would an international territory. Despite the Arabs having a clear demographic dominance, the Jews wound up with over half the land in the area. In 1948, Israel declares itself a state and claims the land for the Jewish People. Basically Israel called dibs on the land. Similar to how the United States called dibs on Indigenous lands, and virtually every other part of the world with insane amount of military bases.
This ignites the 1948 Arab-Israeli war. And despite support from the various Arabic nations in the region, Israel wins the war in 1949. The country of Jordan gets control of West Bank and Egypt gets control of Gaza, while Jerusalem is split in two. There’s no official peace agreement signed by either Israel or Palestine. Over 100k Palestinians are displaced and become refugees within their own borders.
Now the UN Charter says the Palestinians have a right to return to their homes, but the First Prime Minister of Israel had something different to say about that. As if that wasn’t enough, there were Top Secret orders after the war to track movement of Arabs from Gaza, expel them from their villages, deny their return, burn down the villages and then put mines in the roads to prevent Palestinians from coming back!
Yes, burning down villages and laying down mines to kill refugees; the pillars of any Democracy…I’m sorry I mispronounced War Mongering Psychopathic Theocratic Dictatorship. You’d be surprised how many times we mispronounce that as Democracy. We keep saying Democracy when really we’re trying to say War Mongering Psychopathic Theocratic Dictatorships. It’s a tongue twister for sure.
By 1950, the Israelis implemented the Absentee Property Law. Their rationale was that the Palestinians didn’t call ‘fives’ on their homes before fleeing. That’s how you hold your place in line and prevent your home from being stolen, duh!
In 1954, Israel passed the Prevention of Infiltration Law. Calling refugees trying to return to their homes infiltrators is like…INSANE! It’s insane to call refugees infiltrators. Even Charles Manson would be like “Yeah, that’s crazy!” This law is still in effect to this day.
I suppose we can all find this acceptable since they don’t really specify where to shoot them. You can shoot them in the leg and that’s humane thing to do according to the Democrats.
In 1967, the infamous Six Day War resulted in Israel controlling Gaza, the West Bank & the Sinai Peninsula. A little over a decade later in 1979, Israel gave the Sinai Peninsula back to Egypt under a peace agreement. Israel got to control Gaza & the West Bank despite Palestinian calls for freedoms. Israel’s response was “We can’t hear you over us firing rockets into your homes! Can you speak up louder than an explosion you’d see in a Stallone movie please!?” Israel also annexes West Jerusalem, which international community see as a – let me check the official reports – a dick move!
Between 1987 & 1993, while Will Smith in America was getting Jiggy With It, Palestine had its First Intifada or uprising against Israel. After the violence and bloodshed, the Palestinian Liberation Organization, or PLO, and the Israeli government were calling for a 2-state solution. [COVER] Gee that’s kinda what was proposed by the UN in 1948. Had the UN listened to the Palestinians and given them an equal amount of land as the Israelis, perhaps we wouldn’t have gotten here and everyone across the globe could be getting Jiggy with Will Smith.
Between 2000 & 2005, the Second Intifada takes places, which results in Israeli troops leaving the Gaza Strip. But Israel still controls who gets to go in and out of Gaza. This would be like if you had a college friend visit for the weekend, and they made a huge mess in your house. And then after an argument they left in a huff and a puff, but then hired a bunch of bouncers to punch you in the chest every time you left or came back to your house.
In 2006, Hamas gets legally elected as the governing body in Gaza, while their rival party Fatah controlled the West Bank along side the PLO. Fatah went to Israel to ask them to overthrow Hamas. This mentality is the equivalent of a bully giving you a swirly, which is the origins of waterboarding, and then started screaming they’re being attacked because their shoes got wet. And the rest of the school was like “Well yeah, it is violence because those are Jordans and they’re very expensive!”
In 2014, Israel launched a 5 day siege of Gaza that left 2000 Palestinians dead. Israeli ground troops started invading Gaza, they were met with resistance that pushed them back. The IDF responded with heavy artillery and air strikes that killed over 120 people in one day.
Israel’s response to Palestinians defending their home from an invading and occupying force is disproportionate and always has been. This is like if you played a prank on your friend at sleepover and they responded by burning your house down! Your friend would go prison, but in the case of Israel that doesn’t happen. In this case America, aka the Police of the World, gives them more weapons and aid!
In 2018, the peaceful resistance march known as the Great March of Return saw unarmed Palestinians marching and demonstrating a sit in on the border of Gaza. They were met with chemical gas attacks and sniper fire that left 180 dead. These were unarmed civilians that Israeli snipers shot in the head or the heart. And they shot kids, disabled folks, the elderly, journalists & medics. This is not Israel defending itself. It is Israel indiscriminately killing people they DO NOT value.
The March was organized when a young man who saw a bird crossing the Gaza-Israel border without any issues. Since then, the Israeli Defense Forces have been sniping at any bird that dares comes into the Promise Land without Israeli authorization.
“Where are your papers bird! This is an insurgent bird! Clip its wings and send it to hell! What? We’re Jewish and we don’t have a concept of hell? Dammit! Fine, clip its wings and then set it on fire! We have to defend ourselves from these terrorist birds!”
And that all brings us to today! Earlier in May, Israel attacked a mosque during Ramadan, under the pretense that Muslims use the high holidays to spread hate and violence. Which is not just false and racist as hell, but a double standard. If anyone said Hanukkah was about spreading violent Zionist propaganda, you’d be called an anti-semite and likely cancelled. I mean Americans get their panties in a bunch when someone says ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’, but sure obliterating a mosque is just kosher.
After retaliation from Gaza, Israel has continued to fire more rockets into the open air prison and blew up the headquarters of news organizations AJ+ & the AP, along with residential buildings, hospitals, schools, and just for safe measure one hawk’s nest.
Hey look you never know whether that hawk is gonna grow up to be a Raptor Extremist. One that believes that they’re waiting for the return of the Great Velociraptor and will be gifted 72 virgin hawks! Even with a new Prime Minister, Israel’s assault of Gaza has not stopped. The rhetoric is still the same xenophobic, propagandistic poison that’s always been spewed. There are no progressive Israeli Prime Ministers! Just extremely hawkish ones. Because under imperialism, the only good hawk is a war hawk!
Historically speaking, the Jews and Muslims had a common enemy at one point. The British. Actually the whole world had them as a common enemy at one point. Instead of fighting back against an Imperial force, Israel decided to become an imperial force, and deny that it is one! Israel has decided to ignore its own history and use propaganda to claim that it’s the victim of violence from unarmed civilians. The lies from Israel are falling apart as we speak.
Krish Mohan is a socially conscious, Indian standup comedian and writer who regularly tours the country. He performs at small theaters, bars, comedy clubs, colleges, DIY and house venues. With his quirky attitude, charming personality, and intelligent humor, Krish captivates and engages audiences of all backgrounds, tackling hot button topics like race, religion, war, immigration, while adding an optimistic, philosophical & sociological twist!