Anytime someone brings up either Israel or Palestine, you hear a very rare sound. It’s the sound of everyone’s assholes simultaneous shutting closed in pure discomfort. Then you’ll likely get an explanation about how it’s such a complicated situation and commenting on it would do both sides a disservice. That’s really code for “please stop talking to me about this. I don’t have any beliefs and I just parrot what I hear on CNN as gospel and base most of my personality off Anderson Cooper segments!” I’m paraphrasing a bit, but you get the gist.
So since this is sooo complicated allow a weird, fringe, Socialist Comedian to uncomplicate this situation so we can all get on the same page. Is it uncomplicate or decomplicate? Let’s just go with unfuck. I’m very good at unfucking things…
In order to understand what the fuck is going on with Israel & Palestine we have to take a trip back to the early 1900s when the Ottoman Empire was a thing. And that’s not the discount store where you can 4 futons for the price of 2 and your dignity, it was actual country…and as the name suggests an Empire.
Before World War 1, the Ottoman Empire was home to various ethnicities and religions. Though it was dominantly Muslim, there were Jews & and Christians as well. After World War 1, the wrongfully named War To End All Wars, the British decided to split up the Empire. The region known as Palestine was under British control. At this point is anyone surprised that the British are at the start of this clusterfuck? The English owe the entirety of humanity a non-stop apology. #CancelEngland
I think most things are the fault of the British. From Palestine, to Kashmir to Africa to my dad never hugging me, it’s all the British. Its a shame that they didn’t pick up the culinary skills or dental hygiene of the nations they stole from and colonized. Perhaps that was part of a global revolt against imperialism – no food or dental secrets.
Around this time after World War 1, the Zionism movement had taken popularity. The Brits supported this movement, but never made any claims to help create a solely Jewish or Arabic state. Every time the subject was brought up, you’d hear the same sound of all the assholes collective closing shut!
When Zionists began purchasing land in Palestine, it led to the displacement of Palestinian farmers who had lived on that land for at least a century. The Arabs revolted against the British who were approving these land grabs. With the help of Jewish militias, the British were able to quell the Arab uprising.
In the 30s, the British restricted Jewish migration and land purchases. It’s cute that the Zionists thought the British were going to help create a holy land, when really they just wanted to create their own Empire where they get landlords of the globe. This time the Jews led insurgencies but all that was put to a halt, because of the Nazis, who were trying to not just be global landlords but also cleanse the planet of anyone that wasn’t blonde haired and blue eyed…you know like Jesus was.
Well fictional Jesus. Real Jesus was looked more like me but a slightly more buff.
During these Jewish insurgencies, the now city of Sderot was a Palestinian village called Huj. It was recorded that Jews & Muslims got along swimmingly in this village and the Muslims even protected Jewish Paramilitary troops during the British occupation. The same Paramilitary troops would end up eradicating all the Muslims a few years later.
After World War 2, the United Kingdom turned the future of Palestine over to the United Nations. How generous of them to wash their hands of the mess they created. This is like going to a friends birthday party at their house, trashing the place and right before you leave saying “Boy someone should really clean up this place! You guys are slobs! PEACE!”
The UN decided to split the region into 2 and Jerusalem would an international territory. Despite the Arabs having a clear demographic dominance, the Jews wound up with over half the land in the area. In 1948, Israel declares itself a state and claims the land for the Jewish People. Basically Israel called dibs on the land. Similar to how the United States called dibs on Indigenous lands, and virtually every other part of the world with insane amount of military bases.
This ignites the 1948 Arab-Israeli war. And despite support from the various Arabic nations in the region, Israel wins the war in 1949. The country of Jordan gets control of West Bank and Egypt gets control of Gaza, while Jerusalem is split in two. There’s no official peace agreement signed by either Israel or Palestine. Over 100k Palestinians are displaced and become refugees within their own borders.
Now the UN Charter says the Palestinians have a right to return to their homes, but the First Prime Minister of Israel had something different to say about that. As if that wasn’t enough, there were Top Secret orders after the war to track movement of Arabs from Gaza, expel them from their villages, deny their return, burn down the villages and then put mines in the roads to prevent Palestinians from coming back!
Yes, burning down villages and laying down mines to kill refugees; the pillars of any Democracy…I’m sorry I mispronounced War Mongering Psychopathic Theocratic Dictatorship. You’d be surprised how many times we mispronounce that as Democracy. We keep saying Democracy when really we’re trying to say War Mongering Psychopathic Theocratic Dictatorships. It’s a tongue twister for sure.
By 1950, the Israelis implemented the Absentee Property Law. Their rationale was that the Palestinians didn’t call ‘fives’ on their homes before fleeing. That’s how you hold your place in line and prevent your home from being stolen, duh!
In 1954, Israel passed the Prevention of Infiltration Law. Calling refugees trying to return to their homes infiltrators is like…INSANE! It’s insane to call refugees infiltrators. Even Charles Manson would be like “Yeah, that’s crazy!” This law is still in effect to this day.
I suppose we can all find this acceptable since they don’t really specify where to shoot them. You can shoot them in the leg and that’s humane thing to do according to the Democrats.
In 1967, the infamous Six Day War resulted in Israel controlling Gaza, the West Bank & the Sinai Peninsula. A little over a decade later in 1979, Israel gave the Sinai Peninsula back to Egypt under a peace agreement. Israel got to control Gaza & the West Bank despite Palestinian calls for freedoms. Israel’s response was “We can’t hear you over us firing rockets into your homes! Can you speak up louder than an explosion you’d see in a Stallone movie please!?” Israel also annexes West Jerusalem, which international community see as a – let me check the official reports – a dick move!
Between 1987 & 1993, while Will Smith in America was getting Jiggy With It, Palestine had its First Intifada or uprising against Israel. After the violence and bloodshed, the Palestinian Liberation Organization, or PLO, and the Israeli government were calling for a 2-state solution. [COVER] Gee that’s kinda what was proposed by the UN in 1948. Had the UN listened to the Palestinians and given them an equal amount of land as the Israelis, perhaps we wouldn’t have gotten here and everyone across the globe could be getting Jiggy with Will Smith.
Between 2000 & 2005, the Second Intifada takes places, which results in Israeli troops leaving the Gaza Strip. But Israel still controls who gets to go in and out of Gaza. This would be like if you had a college friend visit for the weekend, and they made a huge mess in your house. And then after an argument they left in a huff and a puff, but then hired a bunch of bouncers to punch you in the chest every time you left or came back to your house.
In 2006, Hamas gets legally elected as the governing body in Gaza, while their rival party Fatah controlled the West Bank along side the PLO. Fatah went to Israel to ask them to overthrow Hamas. This mentality is the equivalent of a bully giving you a swirly, which is the origins of waterboarding, and then started screaming they’re being attacked because their shoes got wet. And the rest of the school was like “Well yeah, it is violence because those are Jordans and they’re very expensive!”
In 2014, Israel launched a 5 day siege of Gaza that left 2000 Palestinians dead. Israeli ground troops started invading Gaza, they were met with resistance that pushed them back. The IDF responded with heavy artillery and air strikes that killed over 120 people in one day.
Israel’s response to Palestinians defending their home from an invading and occupying force is disproportionate and always has been. This is like if you played a prank on your friend at sleepover and they responded by burning your house down! Your friend would go prison, but in the case of Israel that doesn’t happen. In this case America, aka the Police of the World, gives them more weapons and aid!
In 2018, the peaceful resistance march known as the Great March of Return saw unarmed Palestinians marching and demonstrating a sit in on the border of Gaza. They were met with chemical gas attacks and sniper fire that left 180 dead. These were unarmed civilians that Israeli snipers shot in the head or the heart. And they shot kids, disabled folks, the elderly, journalists & medics. This is not Israel defending itself. It is Israel indiscriminately killing people they DO NOT value.
The March was organized when a young man who saw a bird crossing the Gaza-Israel border without any issues. Since then, the Israeli Defense Forces have been sniping at any bird that dares comes into the Promise Land without Israeli authorization.
“Where are your papers bird! This is an insurgent bird! Clip its wings and send it to hell! What? We’re Jewish and we don’t have a concept of hell? Dammit! Fine, clip its wings and then set it on fire! We have to defend ourselves from these terrorist birds!”
And that all brings us to today! Earlier in May, Israel attacked a mosque during Ramadan, under the pretense that Muslims use the high holidays to spread hate and violence. Which is not just false and racist as hell, but a double standard. If anyone said Hanukkah was about spreading violent Zionist propaganda, you’d be called an anti-semite and likely cancelled. I mean Americans get their panties in a bunch when someone says ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’, but sure obliterating a mosque is just kosher.
After retaliation from Gaza, Israel has continued to fire more rockets into the open air prison and blew up the headquarters of news organizations AJ+ & the AP, along with residential buildings, hospitals, schools, and just for safe measure one hawk’s nest.
Hey look you never know whether that hawk is gonna grow up to be a Raptor Extremist. One that believes that they’re waiting for the return of the Great Velociraptor and will be gifted 72 virgin hawks! Even with a new Prime Minister, Israel’s assault of Gaza has not stopped. The rhetoric is still the same xenophobic, propagandistic poison that’s always been spewed. There are no progressive Israeli Prime Ministers! Just extremely hawkish ones. Because under imperialism, the only good hawk is a war hawk!
Historically speaking, the Jews and Muslims had a common enemy at one point. The British. Actually the whole world had them as a common enemy at one point. Instead of fighting back against an Imperial force, Israel decided to become an imperial force, and deny that it is one! Israel has decided to ignore its own history and use propaganda to claim that it’s the victim of violence from unarmed civilians. The lies from Israel are falling apart as we speak.
In order to manufacture support for Israel’s actions, they’ve used various points of propaganda to ensure that there is no sympathy for the Palestinians suffering under the rule of a wannabe Theocratic Dictatorship. They primarily use Islamaphobia and saying Hamas is a terrorist organization.
As I mentioned earlier, in order to justify attacking Gaza on a pretty regular basis, Israel has deemed every Palestinian as an agent of Hamas. You never know with these kinds of things. A particular Gazan might know someone who knows someone that once bought a tomato from a guy who used to hangout with someone who’s kid used play games on a daily basis in a building that next to a building that once had a poster of a guy that hi-fived someone that was associated with Hamas. And by the law of Kevin Bacons…they’re all Hamas.
I like to call this the Transitive Property Of Imperialist Bullshit! According to official reports, if that last statement made your head spin, it’s because you’re not letting the state department do your thinking for you.
This argument that every Gazan is an agent Hamas leads into the rumor that Hamas uses them as human shields. First of all, if Israel’s claim is that they are good guys, then they should act like it. Never in the history of good guys have they ever attacked human shields. If Lex Luthor is using Lois Lane as a human shield as a way to stop Superman, Superman then doesn’t punch through Lois to get Luthor! Good guys don’t fire on human shields.
Israel also has no proof of human shields except in propaganda cartoons. Regardless of if that were true or not, you don’t fire on hospitals, schools, news buildings and residential sites. During the Great March of Return, snipers fired on journalists, children, the disabled and medics, NOT AN ARMY! Then they used a famous Palestinian medic’s words against her own people by claiming she validated the human shield argument.
What she actually said was that the medics are shields for the already wounded, since Israeli snipers fire on civilians when they’re already down.
Israel claims that Hamas is Headquartering in places like hospitals & schools because they know they’ll be protected…kinda. I mean Israel is still going to fire on them. Wait so if Israel is going to fire on them regardless why would they hide in those buildings? And besides with the amount of destruction that Israel has caused Gaza, there’s not a lot of places for anyone to gather.
But Israel is guilty of what they claim Hamas does. The Israel Defense Force’s Headquarters is located in the middle of a residential neighborhood in Tel Aviv. And Israel has the funds and help to rebuild their towns, while Gazans can’t even find clean drinking water and enough to eat.
Israel has strict sanctions on Gaza that controls what gets in and out. In 2012, 93% of the people that applied to leave Gaza were approved. In 2017 that number went down to 54% and that number is in decline. Plus Israel put a blockade on food claiming they need to put Gaza on a diet!
Look Israel is just trying to help. The Gazan diet was so bad, that they would just spontaneously explode, probably because they were eating too much. I mean sure was this after Israeli rockets were fired into Gaza, yes, sure, but correlation is not causation. Who know what was causing Gazans to explode. So it’s a safe bet just say its was their food intake.
And if those previous statements made your blood boil, its because you’re not letting the state department do your thinking for you. And that’s really on you.
I’m sure some folks are saying, well if things in Gaza are so bad, they should just leave. And if you could remove the privilege off you face holes for just a second you’ll see that Gaza is an open air prison. They can’t leave. Israel has tight restrictions on the borders. Remember the Great March of Return and the 1954 Infiltration Law? And they can’t leave by sea because of the IDF’s Naval Fleet will shoot them & Israel has made a deal with Egypt’s military dictatorship to fire on any vessels leaving Gaza by sea.
Yet somehow we’re supposed to feel bad for Israel in all this? The nation where its citizens are told they’re protected with military on the streets constantly and somehow that’s a good thing. The hypocrisy of saying Israel is a great place to visit despite its constant terror attacks makes absolutely no sense.
Many people are calling Israel an Apartheid state, and that’s primarily because it is. The 3 factors that constitute an Apartheid state are: an intent to dominate one group of people over another, systemic oppression using race a motivator and one or more inhumane acts, which includes denying people the right to leave and/or return to their country of origin, expropriation of land and the creation of ghettos.
Chris Hedges broke down a few of the wars crimes Israel is guilty of that also prove it is an apartheid state. Article 33 of the Geneva Conventions states the collective punishment of a group of people is illegal. In this case it would be the Palestinians and the Arabs in the region who are being punished by Israel and United States for just being who they are. Even Israeli Arabs, which sounds like an oxymoron, aren’t treated equally within the borders of Israel.
Article 49 of the Geneva Conventions was violated when hundreds and thousands of Palestinians were purged from their homes after 1948, 1967 and all the way up to today! And UN General Assembly 49 states these refugees have the right to return to their homes. But Israel’s 1954 law states that they will shoot anyone trying to return to their homes on site. They wrote an Apartheid law!
Israel is also not a Democracy. Former Israeli Prime Minister & winner of the most smug smile award, Benjamin Netanyahu has stated that Israel is a nation for the Jewish People ONLY! This means if you’re Muslim, Christian, Agnostic, Atheist, or anything other than a Jew, you are less than in Israel. And you have less rights and your votes mean less. No Democracy can claim to be a Democracy when a group of people are considered less than. Israel is and always has been a Military Theocracy!
They also use Islamaphobia as a tool to justify their war crimes. Israeli citizens are fine with the murder of Palestinians, because they’re convinced that it’s us or them. Islamaphobia is such an important tool for Israel, that they looked at 9/11 as a positive since it shifted the narrative about Muslims on a global scale. It associated the religion of Islam with terrorism and made any adversary of them a good guy.
CNN once asked Palestinian Poet & Writer, Mohammed El Kurd whether he supported the violent protest that had erupted in solidarity with his and other families. He responded with “Do you support the violent dispossession of my family?” Don’t worry CNN didn’t respond, so I’ll go ahead and respond for them. Yes they do. He’s brown with a very Muslim name and as a network their policy is to dehumanize all vaguely ethnic peoples. You get it, it’s just company policy and everyone at CNN is a company man…even the women.
It’s not hard to breakdown the lies coming from Israel about Palestinians when you pay attention to history and human rights. There are no justifications for Israel’s treatment of Palestinians. And any justifications are coming from people that are fine with war crimes, as long as they’re perpetrated on people we don’t really like or understand.
The question is how we support the people of Palestine from the Apartheid state they are living under. First of all, just by paying attention to and sharing the work of Pro-Palestinian journalists, you’re helping combat propaganda. But another major way to fight back is to be a part of the Boycott, Sanctions & Divestment movement, or BDS.
Ok, so if you add the word movement to it, it becomes BDSM, which something very different. I mean I guess you could do BDSM for Palestine, but I am not the right person to figure out the logistics of that. Nobody needs a 50 Shades of Krish situation, including myself.
BDS was started by African American grassroots organizations, that grew at college campuses to make South Africa not an apartheid state. And it was successful. So when this same tactic was used by Pro-Palestinian student groups across the nation in the States, the infamous Israel Lobby came back to strike against the students.
Basically they went to these campuses with their corporate infiltrators and said “Change My Mind”. It’s always nice to see full grown adults try put down children who just figured out how do laundry for the first time. The Israel Lobby is the Stephen Crowder of geopolitics.
One of the campaigns the lobby started was redefining anti-semitism. This was defined as someone who had a scathing hatred for the Jewish people. So scathing that they want to violently attack them. One famous anti-Semite was a chap by the Adolf Hitler. Some might say he was THE anti-semite. But the State Department deems anti-Semitism as anyone that Demonizes Israel and Delegitimizes the Israeli state…so history is Anti-Semitic in that context. And with this redefinition, it doesn’t make Hitler an anti-semite.
This redefinition is part of why people think Judaism is under attack when Israel is criticized and cited for war crimes. The other part is the fact that Israel’s flag is the Star Of David! They nationalized a religious symbol to claim that they are Jewish state for Jews only! Isn’t it fun when Graphic Design can be used for ethnic cleansing.
Think tanks like the The Israel Project or TIP are used in conjunction with groups like APIAC to lobby politicians to create pro-Israeli and anti-BDS laws. The goal is to make every Congressperson an agent for Israel. Now the max you can donate to a candidate is $2700. So in order to get around that TIP & APIAC will throw big parties and have everyone there donate, so by the end of it they’ve raised a hundreds of thousands of dollars for this one candidate.
Am I doing parties wrong? Because usually at my parties, we get drunk, a little stoned and sure we talk geopolitics but no one is taking money from each other…unless its for Pizza. Fuck do I work for the Pizza lobby? That’s an issue for another time!
And if politicians don’t side with Israel, they get the scorn of the Jewish American communities in America. Which was the case for Congressman Jim Moran. In 2015, Tennessee passes an Anti-BDS law which equates the movement with anti-semitism. This is like saying Black Lives Matter is a racist organization fighting for the freedom of all people. Look I won’t say it again, but if that didn’t make sense to you, it’s because you’re not letting the State Department do your thinking for you!
The goal for groups like TIP is also to attack college students, smearing them enough to prevent them from getting a job. A group associated with TIP, StandWithUs, did this to Sumaya Din at UC Berkley when she was running for College Senate. [PAL 29] Sumaya used the slogan #Dintifada for her campaign and StandWithUs used targeted social media ads to have pro-Israeli trolls attack this girl. They sent her death threats pretty much on a daily basis.
A lot of the pages were not publicly associated with StandWithUs, because they had a bad reputation within the Jewish community for being too extreme. Go figure. Attacking an innocent Muslim college student makes you unlikeable as a multimillion dollar organization. Gee who would’ve thunk it. The key to these lobbies is to keep their anonymity. They’re the Moriarty of Human Rights violations. And I can’t wait for them plummet over a waterfall.
TIP also took part in Astroturfing. This is when you pay fake protesters to yell obscene and extreme things in the face of real protesters. TIP paid a bunch of people go on campuses and scream at College Palestinian activists. Now this yielded very few results but they kept doing it to get exposure that there were “grassroots” Israel supporters too.
But BDS kept growing in popularity. So in a desperate attempt, Israel recruited black South Africans to say that BDS doesn’t work, even though it did. But this can easily be shown as a manipulative effort since Israelis don’t really care about black people.
In 2014 when Mike Brown was murdered by the police and the Black Lives Matter movement started gaining popularity, Palestinians on twitter were sharing tips on how to avoid tear gas. If you’re a Democracy of any kind, it’s imperative to use Chemical Weapons, deemed illegal by the Geneva Conventions on dissenting citizens. That’s just Democracy 101.
Their solidarity with Palestinians made BLM a target for Israel. Not only that but killer cops are trained by the IDF who show them moves like sitting on someone’s neck till they die and how to choke out a person till they die.
But we can go back even further. During the Sixth Zionist Congress, the Zionists were in talks with England to acquire land in Uganda and Kenya and call it the Jewish homeland. I guess these guys really wanted to be OG Apartheid oppressors! This shows that philosophy of Zionism was rooted in land grabs and imperialism. It also shows us that it didn’t really matter where the Jewish homeland was, just so they had one and it didn’t matter who had to get stomped out get one.
But even more glaring is what happened with Ethiopian Jews. When they arrived to Israel, Ethiopian Jews were discriminated against constantly. They’re victims of police brutality and more often than not live in impoverished neighborhoods. Is it a wonder that the United States with its racist history is such dear and close friends with Israel. Racist of a feather must stick together.
In Uganda, the Jewish population practice a very formal and orthodox version of the religion. These jews are considered outsiders and therefore not allowed in Israel. Only caucasian Jews are seen as worthy of the homeland. So if you look at the history of Black People and Israel globally you can see why having Black South Africans shit on BDS is nothing but propagandistic nonsense. It’s basically Israel saying they have black friends…but those black friends aren’t really welcome in their homes.
Things got so bad that TIP had really dig deep to smear Palestinians. So they came up with a story that Hamas was digging tunnels underground to come up into Israel and kill Israeli children and eat all their cookies! The official narrative from the Israel Project is that Hamas and the Palestinians are newest members of the Looney Toons Cartoon family. These guys were loosing so much support that the only place they could get new propaganda ideas was from Bugs Bunny, which would make the Israelis Elmer Fudd who constantly looses.
The point of Israel lobby is to control politicians, the narrative and shape public discourse. Since the brand of Israel is becoming so toxic, the Lobby decided to go with a softer approach. They created proxy Facebook pages to show pictures of girl power, kittens, puppies and then every so often post a Pro-Israel meme.
But after these recent attacks and the discourse about Israel changing so drastically, even the Lobby is having a hard time keeping up with their bullshit. Only 32% of Jews in America feel like they need to have a close attachment to Israel.
Once you look beyond the identity politics and pay attention to history and the war crimes, it’s hard to say that Israel is the victim in the non-stop war. They’re a discriminatory bunch of imperialists who support white supremacist ideologies. Odd since that’s what the Jewish people were fighting in World War 2. Israel is not connected to Judaism. That’s a manufactured perspective.
The real victims here are the Palestinian people. Average people who want to live their lives in their homes without the fear of constant rocket attacks. That’s not a big ask. Palestinians were happy to share their land with the Jews, not be colonized by them. So if this is really about human rights, then we must do what’s best for the Palestinian people. We must Boycott, Sanction and Divest from Israel. It’s really not that complicated.
Krish Mohan is a socially conscious, Indian standup comedian and writer who regularly tours the country. He performs at small theaters, bars, comedy clubs, colleges, DIY and house venues. With his quirky attitude, charming personality, and intelligent humor, Krish captivates and engages audiences of all backgrounds, tackling hot button topics like race, religion, war, immigration, while adding an optimistic, philosophical & sociological twist!